In high school, I was “that girl”. You know the one, clingy, jealous, insecure. And my boyfriend at the time was probably the root of all of these unhealthy, unproductive, and frankly, unflattering traits.
We dated for years, and let me tell you, we did not have a good relationship. Everyone knew it. My friends and family tried to convince me to leave him over and over again. I was a bright student, on her way to the Ivy League, ready to reach for the stars, and he, well, wasn’t. We couldn’t be on more opposite paths. I wanted to change him, because I loved him so much, but knew he wasn’t the type of partner I needed. He was constantly annoyed by my nagging.
And then somehow, I got away. We split shortly before I left for my first year of college. I have grown into myself since then. I have flourished in my new environment and am much happier than I ever was in high school. I feel accomplished, proud of my self, at peace.
But somehow, this summer, I have gotten involved with him again. Now a college dropout, living at home with his parents, I know with every fiber of my being that I do not belong with him. Could not belong with him. He already has me resorting to more destructive ways. I have been less committed to my yoga practice since his reappearance. I have been blogging less. A myriad of other equally disappointing habits have resurfaced. I could not be more disappointed in my back-slide. But I “love” him. Or at least, I thought I did. I think I may be confusing the joy of having someone care for me again with true love. In fact, I know it.
But honestly, the longer I am spending back in my old relationship, I’m finding that I do not want to cling onto this comfortable, reliable thing just for the sake of having someone around. I want to find the someone. Doing all of these things with the wrong person just doesn’t feel right. It isn’t comfortable or reliable at all. I thought I would be happy just to have someone to hold. But I was wrong. It feels off. Unbalanced. And there is nothing more taboo to a yogi than being unbalanced.
So I have learned an important lesson. This person is not the be all or the end all for me. What I have known for ages has finally been accepted in my fickle heart: he is not the one for me. No amount of love or comfort can change that. I am finally ready to say goodbye to this man. And if this little rendez-vous with my past was what it took for me to learn this, then for that, I have gratitude.
If you let it, the world can teach you powerful lessons. They may not be the lessons you were looking for, but they are usually the lessons you need. Just putting all of this down in writing, I know that to be true. I hope you all will learn the lessons to help you let go of the things that are holding you back. It is a freeing experience. It gives me hope and excitement for the future, like I am finally ready to really live.